Love thy self

In the Netherlands it’s your gevoel van eigenwaarde, in Greece it’s your αυτοσεβασμός in Canada it’s your self esteem. No matter what you call it, it’s something that you need to have – to try new things, keep up friendships and relationships, and just feel good about yourself.
Self-esteem is not the same as thinking you’re perfect, because nobody’s perfect. It’s not about feeling like you’re better than other people, either. It’s about knowing, inside yourself, that no matter what your strengths and weaknesses, you’re valuable and important in your own way, and you deserve to be loved and respected. Unfortunately, people with lower self-esteem often don’t realize this, so they think more negatively about themselves and their abilities, and they’re more afraid of failure.
How do people get low or high self-esteem? Self-esteem is based on self-image – how you see yourself, on the inside and outside – and it’s affected by how you’re treated by family, friends, teachers, and other people in your life. For example, if your parents usually listen to you, support you, and show their love for you, your self-esteem is probably higher than that of a friend whose parents tease or ignore him, or tell him that a “failure” in an activity (like getting a bad mark) means that he is a failure.
That doesn’t mean your friend will constantly talk about how worried he is about his marks, though. Not all people with low self-esteem act the way you might think they do. What’s on the inside is often similar (people say it’s like there’s a little “voice” or “feeling” always criticizing and belittling them), but on the outside, everyone with low self-esteem acts in their own way. Here are three possibilities, according to psychologists.
One person with low self-esteem might act happy and seem to be doing well, but she might actually need that success all the time to feel good about herself. Anything less would be a horrible disappointment. Unfortunately, because of this, she might have problems with perfectionism and competition, and she might have a habit of not starting or finishing her work on time (procrastinating) out of the fear that it won’t turn out well.
Someone else with low self-esteem might be a rebel, acting like everyone else’s opinions don’t matter, especially not those of teachers or parents. He might feel angry that he’ll never be “good enough” (in his mind) for others, and so he’ll deliberately do what he knows won’t live up to their expectations, and then he’ll blame them for making him act that way. He might have problems later because of this “blame game,” and unfortunately he might even go from fighting authority to breaking the law.
A third person with low self-esteem might act completely helpless all the time, not wanting to take responsibility for anything because she feels like a failure. She might spend a lot of time feeling sorry for herself, and she might have trouble making decisions, or setting goals, or asking for what she wants. She might also rely too much on others.
As well, people with lower self-esteem might have problems keeping up friendships and relationships, or working hard and taking chances on new things (or old things, too) – because they feel like they won’t succeed at any of these things.
Those who do have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, believe they’re capable of succeeding – so they’re more likely to!

So how can you improve your self-esteem?
1. Don’t keep your feelings and fears bottled up inside. Talk to somebody if you realize you have low self-esteem. Just having them listen might really help.
2. As silly as this sounds, whenever you hear that inner voice and start feeling negative about yourself, try to argue with it. If you don’t win a game, and then you get the feeling it’s all your fault and you’ll never win anything – just use logic and tell yourself that one game doesn’t mean everything, and there’ll always be next time.
3. If your “inner voice” is actually an outer voice – a parent, teacher, or friend who’s always putting you down – ask them to offer constructive advice instead of harsh criticism. It might take them awhile, but if they care about you, they’ll make the effort.
4. Take the time every day to remind yourself of your own special strengths. Are you a great juggler or an amazing artist? Do you do kind things for other people, or make them laugh with your jokes? These are the things that make you you, and the way you look or the game you lost or the mark you got doesn’t change the fact that you are an amazing person.
5. When you do succeed at something, reward yourself. You deserve it!

Toronto Star, March 2005