Fighting for the final slice of cake

Somewhere in Alaska, a baby bald eagle hatches out of his egg. The eaglet shakes out his light grey feathers and looks around. He sees the brown walls of the nest, the broken pieces of the egg he just came out of… and two very annoyed-looking big sisters.

You see, bald eagles lay their eggs several days apart, so there is definitely one older sibling, one middle sibling, and one younger sibling -- all fighting for food, space, and their parents’ attention. When Mom’s not looking, the oldest birds might scratch and bite the younger ones. Sometimes, they even push their brothers or sisters out of the nest!

Sound familiar? While human siblings, thankfully, don’t usually push each other out of tall trees, they can get very competitive in other ways. Siblings fight for all kinds of reasons, but usually it all boils down to jealousy. A cooler birthday present, better math abilities, the last piece of chocolate cake, more of Mom’s or Dad’s attention... any of it can lead to mean words being said, favourite toys being hidden, and even threats of terrifying haircuts in the night.

Sibling rivalry has become such a common part of growing up that nobody seems all that surprised about it anymore. But why is fighting between siblings considered so different from fighting between friends? How can we be so casual about being so cruel to those who are closest to us? Maybe it’s because we know that no matter how terribly we act towards our siblings, afterwards we’ll still be siblings -- and probably still friends. We can say and do horrible things to each other, but an hour later we’ll be playing again -- right?

The problem is, even if we do make up, those words and threats hurt. And fights in the house can turn to fights in the school yards too. Also, childhood sibling rivalry can turn into adulthood sibling rivalry -- a silly fight can turn into years of not speaking. The better thing to do is to avoid the fights in the first place. How do we do that? We have to think about what really causes sibling rivalry. Yes, it’s usually jealousy. But what exactly is this jealousy really about?

Psychologists and child experts agree that it’s about love. While baby bald eagles fight because they know there is not enough food to go around, human siblings (whether they realize it or not) fight because they think there is not enough love to go around. That special birthday present for an older brother is proof they love him more. A younger sister’s math skills will make them love her more. And in the end, nothing is left... right?

That’s where so many of us go wrong. Though our parents may only have a certain number of hours to spend with each of us, love is not limited like that. One extra gift to a brother does not mean Mom and Dad like him more. And just because they’re happy about one sister’s special talent doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate the talents of her siblings. Worrying about this by ourselves, and taking it out on our siblings, is not the best way to deal with the problem. Instead, we need to talk with our parents about how we feel.

The little flights that start because we’re afraid of losing our parents’ love may not seem like much now, but siblings are too important to risk losing in the long run. Brothers and sisters may seem like pains sometimes, but other times they can be funny, kind, and fun to be around. They’re who we can count on when we really need it. Is it worth losing all that over a slice of chocolate cake? Cake tastes so much sweeter when it’s shared.

Toronto Star, August 2004